Painkiller By N.J. Fountain

Painkiller by N.J. Fountain begins with the protagonist finding a suicide note written by her to her husband Dominic.

Dear Dominic,

I am sorry I have to write this, but not as sorry as I feel that you have to read this. I cannot go on like this. I really do not wish to leave you, but my body is still lying at the bottom of a deep dark hole, and twelve months later, I can see no way of climbing out. When I wake up every morning I know I should be thanking the world that I have your love and support, but instead I’m just counting the seconds until the drugs manage to take me back to sleep.

I feel like such a burden to you. You are young and can start again. You deserve that chance.

By the time you read this, I will be dead. Do not grieve for me, for I am now without pain. When we meet again it will be wondrous for both of us.

Yours truly for ever,

Monica

XXX

Imagine living a life where you are in unremitting neuropathic pain every moment of your life. Welcome to the world of Monica!

Monica had an accident five years ago and is now in a constant state of chronic neuropathic pain. Exacerbating her situation of physical agony, the painkillers she is taking are creating havoc with her memories which are a constant miasma of dreams and nightmares. Her daily life is a hellish struggle and entire patches of her memory have vanished over the past few years due to ever changing combinations of drugs she has been taking to manage her pain. Her husband Dominic has been very supportive, caring for her and putting up with all her vicious outbursts.

When she finds an old suicide note, written in her handwriting that she wasn’t physically capable of writing, Monica starts to question everything, and everyone, around her. She has no memory of writing the suicide note – so who did? With the large insurance policy on her life, can she trust her husband? Can she trust herself? Can she trust her closest friend Angelina or her osteopath Niall? Was the accident an attempted murder by someone?

When Monica learns that there is a new capsaicin treatment in its experimental stages, she agrees to be a guinea pig for it but her husband is against it. Against her husband’s wishes, she went for the new treatment and shortly after that, her pain lessens and she starts to regain her memory.

Painkiller is a slow burner but the plot is convoluted full of misdirection and red herrings, just the way I like my psychological thrillers. I didn’t see the ending coming. It was like an OMG moment when all becomes clear.